How you see yourself

 I see myself in two different ways. Mentally I think that I am a caring person who likes to pursue their talent and share it with people around me. But then there is the physical aspect of myself. My outside shell. To me my outside shell is nothing special. Sure I have curly hair which people tend to tell me they are jealous that they have it, but I look around and I become jealous of bodies that people carry. I know I shouldn't compare myself to people, but it's hard not to. Especially when your surrounded by skinny people everyday.

I have been chubby for most of my lifetime. When I was in middle school I didn't have a big variety of clothes and was forced to shop in the misses section at stores because none of the junior clothes would fit me. I was fortunate enough to loose 35lbs, but now with the stress of senior year it has slowly crept up on me again. I am getting tired and sick of being on diets, watching what I have to eat and constantly exercising. I want to have fun, eat what I want, and not gain weight. It sucks having to punish yourself everyday, especially when food is your best friend.

I now realize that I am going to have to keep punishing myself for my whole life. I was born like this. Some people ( actually most people) I know can eat whatever they want, never exercise and not gain a pound.

I am becoming even more stressed out than I was and I feel really depressed to think about it. It's embarrassing to not fit into your clothes anymore and I just wish it wouldn't happen, but wishing is useless. I have to do something about it or just face the consequences even more.