Lonely for life? Family thinks so.

Not that I'm unhappy, but the other night my mom and I were watching a romantic movie and I was laughing at the fact that a lot of it was very unrealistic. She said, I hope you don't end up like your aunt. My aunt is unmarried and not that I think it's a bad thing, some people just don't have the desire too which is OK because you don't need that to be happy. But hearing this from my mom made me kind of upset. The fact that I'm 18 and have never had a boyfriend bothers me at times, but I never thought of seeing myself as unmarried in the future. Let alone knowing now that my mom thinks that I may.Maybe I'm over analyzing it but is it a bad sign when your parents are afraid for you to end up alone? I don't want to but am I running out of time?

Hitting a New Low

A couple of blog posts back I talked about how someone I know wasn't being appreciated and that their relationship was becoming rocky. Well that relationship is now over. Now when you break up with someone genuinely you just forget about them and give them their stuff back or whatever. But when you do something so low, it's just not right. It's like kicking him when he's down. and just by watching what has happened, I know to trust your instincts. When they first started going out I didn't have a great feeling about her, but I didn't want to say anything to him because that just wouldn't be nice. But shes your usual bitchy girl. Cheerleader, slutty and not to mention obsessive!

I have recently started becoming friends with  a co- worker of mine and I told her about what was going on. Well she happened to know people in the same group of friends as, lets call her "the cheerleader"( I'm not dissing cheerleaders, I'm sure there are really nice girls out there.) Well one of my co-workers friends has a campfire every now and then and her friend is also friends with "the cheerleader." Well at this particular bonfire "the cheerleader" showed up and started prancing around saying, "I'm single!!" OK low move number one. She mentioned to the host of the bonfire that she was only there because she couldn't get a ride to a concert. Low move number two. And with her she brought love notes that he wrote to her. Low move number three.

You can probably see where I'm getting at here. The next thing "the cheerleader" does is gives some of the notes to her other friends and they start reading them in front of everyone. Low move number 4. Need I say there were at least 15 people there. People started laughing and she burned them in the fire. Low move number five.

Now I don't even know what he wrote her in those letters, and believe me I have asked, but he never told me. Once I heard all of this I told him and he said that he wrote some really personal and sappy things to her. I mean they dated for over a year and he "loved" her.

Lets review shall we..

#1: Prancing around saying that shes single.
#2: Saying that she was only there because there was nothing better
#3: Bringing the love notes with her
#4: Showing it to her friends
#5: Burning it in front of all her friends.

Now first of all if your going to burn love notes do it in private or just rip them and throw them away. Why would you want to embarrass that other person. He didn't do anything to you and you don't have the right to do that in the first place. And I just have one thing to say to her. I hope that people will realize what kind of person you are and that someone will embarrass you the same way you embarrassed him. Karma will eventually get back to you sweetie, so don't hurt yourself.

Being Hypnotized

Now you may ask, "Why is she talking about this topic?" Well for those of you who have had a project graduation or some kind of event after graduation you may of had a hypnotist come and visit your school, or college. Well that's what happened to me. For my project graduation we had a hypnotist come and perform in our auditorium. Now before he came I was expecting him to have a little station where you could line up and he would wave a watch in front of you and make you bark like a dog or something in front of your friends. Well I thought wrong. It was in front of my whole senior class. Before the "lock in" I said it would be kinda cool to be hypnotized, but when I found out it was in front of more people I was kind of iffy about it. Well when he asked for volunteers, I didn't want to but my friends of course made me. So me and 15 other people were chosen to go on stage.

The way he hypnotized us was different then what you would see in the movies. He didn't use the watch and swing it in front of us, instead he turned down the stage lights had light on the end of a mic stand and played soothing music. He told us to stare at the light bulb until be eventually fell asleep or just kinda bent over motionless.

It's hard to explain how you feel when your hypnotized. People asked me did I remember anything, and actually I remember everything. You just felt so good that you didn't care what people thought about you. Your mind is almost like in a different state that only responds to the hypnotists voice. Now you realize what your doing when he wakes you up but again you just don't care what people think about you.

There was one thing he did to just me where he said when he snapped his fingers my tongue would fall out. Not literally, but he made me think I didn't have a tongue. And when he said wake up I did and he snapped his fingers. I was thinking to myself, I'm not stupid I know my tongue is still there, but yet I couldn't talk and I felt like gaging. and then he said "sleep" and right away I bent over in my chair with my eyes closed, having no idea why I did. I was awake in my mind but asleep in my actions. And I remember thinking to myself why can't I open my eyes. Very strange but if you have the opportunity to get hypnotized it is definitely worth it. I have actually gotten the chance twice.

Just about a week ago, my college had welcome week and they had the same hypnotist come to the college. I decided to go and see the show, but I didn't want to get hypnotized just watch the show. Well when he put the light bulb on, my eyes were just kind of drawn to it and I fell asleep, in the audience! I was sitting at a lunch table asleep and my friend was sitting next to me. I could here everything she was saying but yet I just couldn't wake up until I heard him say wake up. Now granted I was in the back of the cafeteria and I couldn't hear him very well, so I didn't do any of the actions he had the others do, I just woke up and fell asleep when they did. I told my friend when I was conscious to go and tell him that I had gotten hypnotized and she did. He then woke me up and I was alive and normal.

The only thing about being hypnotized is the aftermath. When your woken up your confused a little bit and shaky because you were so relaxed, but after 15 minutes I was fine. So I just thought it would be fun to share a little story.

Marrige

My grandma and grandpa have been married now for 63 years. They were married when my grandma was 18 and my grandpa 20. Now they are in the mid 80's. I know back then it was a different time and I sit here and wonder, how can someone be so committed to someone else at that age. I mean I'm 18 and I have never truly loved someone (other than my family.) Plus the fact that they are able to put up with each other for 63 years?! Every vacation, experience, and every moment spent together. It's almost like they are connected by the hip and can't do anything with out that other person. I don't know how they do it? I spent 3 days with my friends and I didn't go 2 days without getting irritated at least 3 times (plus lack of sleep.)  I guess it's something I will never understand unless it happens to me one day, and even then I will wonder, what is wrong with my emotions? I even sit back and watch my parents once in a while. How they communicate with one another, and how rarely they fight (and when they do it's kinda funny.) I mean I never see them fight, its just every once in a while if their tired or what not, but I don't know I guess in a way it just confuses me.

Not Being Appreciated

I give you flowers, I write you love notes and for what? To get all stepped over. He is the nicest guy I could possibly know, but he's stuck in love. Lately him and his girlfriend have been having problems and he is getting to the point were he is thinking about ending their relationship. I'm not saying its going to happen, I just think it should end. He is probably the best boyfriend any girl could have. I would love to have a boyfriend like him. Funny, sweet, gives you cute comments, makes you feel good, but my question is, why must he finish last? His girlfriend has been treating him like crap, and its been going on for awhile. She's obsessive over someone she will never meet, shes rude, doesn't show up for any of his competitions, and doesn't appreciate anything he does for her. For example... He wrote her the cutest love note and her and her friend decided to correct his spelling and give it back to him. Basically saying that he is stupid. Really? Seriously. Around him she doesn't care, has a dull look on her face then all of a sudden her friends show up and her face lights up. Isn't that supposed to be the opposite? Aren't you supposed to light up around your boyfriend. and if this couldn't have gotten any worse, he was invited to a party, and instead of giving him a ride, she decides shes going to give a ride to her x-boyfriend. Honestly it's not for me to say weather or not they break up. All I am saying is as a person something isn't right and ever since I met her she has given me bad vibes. It makes me sad that someone doesn't appreciate everything he does for her, and they have been dating for a year. I would say its a privilege to have a boyfriend compared to some people. For people like me who don't ever get to experience the high school dating life it's just a shame that you would throw such a special relationship away. It's stupid, it's rude and just plain bitchy.

For a reason

" I am a part of all that I have met" is a quote that anyone can relate to. Everyone you meet you influence them in some way, somehow, and they do the same for you. Today was probably one of the best days that I have had and it really made me open my eyes and see how different people live.

I work at a community gym and I work in  a family room where I see all different kinds of kids and people. This room has Wii's, exercise bikes, arts and crafts. It's basically a room where people can come together.

 On Sundays, when I normally work, its not busy at all. Who wants to go to a gym  on a Sunday night? But today was a little different.

I met a amazing lady who really changed the way I see things now. For now lets call her J. So J is about 60 years old and probably around 300 lbs. She would come to the family room because the exercise bikes are the only ones that fit her. She is such an outgoing person so we started talking and before I knew it an hour had past by. She had an amazing story...

 The first thing she said to me was that she hadn't painted her nails in about 10 years and there she was with her nails painted. She told me that she is really trying to look good and become happy again. She had told me she bought herself a swimsuit and by this summer was going to look good in it. She told me that during the summer she would go swimming at our local pool, but she said she didn't want to do it anymore because of her daughter. Her daughter hates J. Why? Because J doesn't approve of her daughters lifestyle. J's daughter is a 40 year old women who drinks, doesn't provide for her children ( basically neglects their needs) and is dating a 24 year old man. If that's not enough the boyfriend mentally abuses the kids and her grand kids are failing school and becoming depressed.

J started crying a few times while she was talking to me. J also told me that she has tried being the best grandma she could be to her grand kids, but her daughter was messing it up. J had volunteered at her grand kids school for about 2 years. She would organize all the dances and decorate the hallways, so she could be with her grandchildren, until her daughter messed it up. J's daughter then called the school and had J fired .
At this point in the conversation I started crying for her. J also started telling me a story about 4 years back. Her daughter showed up at J's house and told her mom that she had brain tumors. Of course being a loving mom J broke down crying and said that she would do anything to help get through it. The daughter then said she needed her kids to be babysat a lot and that she need about $850 towards the surgery. J then took out loans and used a lot of her own money towards getting the money. The daughter signed a waver that stated she had so much time to pay back the money. Come to find out that the daughter never had brain tumors and she never paid back the $850 and still hasn't.

I also came to find out that J was mentally abused when she was little and her sibbilings grew up to hate her and try and pick fights with her. J also works 3 jobs. 2 shifts as a nurse and 1 job cleaning houses. May I remind you she is a 300 lb lady doing all of this.

J is such a sweet, talkative and talented lady and I don't know why her life has to be like this. It makes me sad that I can't do anything to help her. Even though I have only talked to her twice I still feel like I can tell her anything, and I have. I had even told her about some of my weight struggles and she wrote down a list of things I should eat to help keep my weight down. Things she has been doing that have worked for her. At the bottom of the paper she wrote me a little note...

                       " Believe, believe. Make your dream a reality. Let god light the way!"

and she left her phone number for me to call her if I had any questions about the food list she had given me.
That note now hangs on my mirror and I feel as if J was brought to me for some reason and that was to help me get through all the things I am now.

Some people are brought into your life for a reason and I believe J was one of them.

Liars

All I want is just a simple apology. I honestly don't understand why you can't do just that. Isn't that what best friends do? They didn't want to hurt my feelings, but now its worse than it could have been. All you had to do was just tell me the truth and I would have respected that. Now the only thing you are worried about is yourself. Saying things like " We should have come up with a better lie." Seriously. What is that? So you can't even notice that you shouldn't have lied to me in the first place. Now you wonder why I'm mad at you.

What I just explained has been my lovely week so far. And its only 2 days in. I'm not one to hold a grudge, but its just hard not to after this situation. Last week I was involved in something that was very important to me, but apparently not my 3 closest friends. They couldn't even be there to support me. They were only thinking of their stomach and went out to lunch instead of staying for me. That's not the thing I'm mad about. Afterwards I was told by one of  my other friends that they left after I was done, but later I come to find out they didn't even go at all. Some friends right? They are still my close friends, but what they did is just really low and they should know that next time all they need to do is tell me the truth. I would rather know now than later. We could have avoided this whole situation, but its too late now.

Crushes

Lately I haven't been in the lovey dovey mood. Prom is coming up, I have no date and I keep telling myself I should just wait until college to try and find someone. But now someone has kinda caught my eye. Someone I really hadn't noticed much at all throughout the school year. Why all of a sudden now? I don't know, its kinda a bad time don't you think? School is ending soon and I'm moving forward.

We aren't really friends. Its not like I hate him. We have talked a few times, but I have no idea why I am crushing on him. My brother told me he would be my perfect prom date. And now that he pointed it out, I realized we would be really cute together.

I'm not really sure what to do at the moment. I'm shy, so its hard to make eye contact or even try to talk to him. Even so I'm not sure what to do. I hate that when you start to like someone, you have a problem talking to them, but if you didn't like them you probably wouldn't care. Maybe I should have my brother have us start a conversation somehow. Idk. What do you think I should do? Leave a comment down below.

Break-ups

I know I haven't posted in awhile, but these past few weeks I have just been going back and forth with my mind. Sorry.

On to the topic of break-ups. I have never gone through a break-up. My first step would to get a boyfriend but watching other people I have never understood the whole concept of breaking up with someone, especially if you were only going out with someone for a couple weeks. 

" If he's dumb enough to walk away, be smart enough to let him go."

Point 1: Last year I had a friend who was constantly going out with someone and end up breaking up with that person because, " she found something wrong about them." Sure its one thing to break- up with someone if their cheating, but to break-up because you found something wrong with them, well that's just a little rude. Nobody is perfect and if you think that perfect guy for you is out there for you, well you thought wrong. No one is going to be absolutely perfect. If you find someone close then you should go out with them, but not spot on. Your always going to find something wrong, but it turns out that to your significant other, there is something wrong with you too. Whether it is a habit or just something indifferent with similarities. So all in all, don't look for Mr. Perfect because he's not there.

Point 2: Why is it after a break-up would you all of a sudden hate your ex? Just because he broke up with you does not mean you can't be friends anymore. I mean you liked each other enough to go out with them in the first place right. I know if they are cheating on you or did something to the extreme you shouldn't be friends with them again, but if it was just because feelings changed or something in that matter, why not be friends? Why hate? You can't help it if your feelings change. I know being a girl I can't even pick clothes out of my closet without changing it 2 times. It's going to happen and most likely teen relationships don't last. That's just how it is.

Point 3: I absolutely hate it when people over exaggerate break-ups. You go out for 4 days and then he dumps you. You spend the next few days eating chocolate ice cream and sobbing into your pillow while listening to Adele. First of all, you can not fall in love with someone in 4 days. Secondly you should have been at least friends first before you went out with him, and thirdly, STOP being a drama queen. You just want attention and you just look desperate.

Now the points that I made are just towards people who have been dating for a couple of weeks and feel the need to make drama. If you have been going out with a guy for over 6 months, I can see why it would be tough. I mean you are with that person almost every day, then it all of a sudden stops. You don't know what to do with yourself anymore. I realize it will be hard, but there is a plan for all of us and he just wasn't part of it. 

How you see yourself

 I see myself in two different ways. Mentally I think that I am a caring person who likes to pursue their talent and share it with people around me. But then there is the physical aspect of myself. My outside shell. To me my outside shell is nothing special. Sure I have curly hair which people tend to tell me they are jealous that they have it, but I look around and I become jealous of bodies that people carry. I know I shouldn't compare myself to people, but it's hard not to. Especially when your surrounded by skinny people everyday.

I have been chubby for most of my lifetime. When I was in middle school I didn't have a big variety of clothes and was forced to shop in the misses section at stores because none of the junior clothes would fit me. I was fortunate enough to loose 35lbs, but now with the stress of senior year it has slowly crept up on me again. I am getting tired and sick of being on diets, watching what I have to eat and constantly exercising. I want to have fun, eat what I want, and not gain weight. It sucks having to punish yourself everyday, especially when food is your best friend.

I now realize that I am going to have to keep punishing myself for my whole life. I was born like this. Some people ( actually most people) I know can eat whatever they want, never exercise and not gain a pound.

I am becoming even more stressed out than I was and I feel really depressed to think about it. It's embarrassing to not fit into your clothes anymore and I just wish it wouldn't happen, but wishing is useless. I have to do something about it or just face the consequences even more.

Why should I try?

Some days I keep hoping that eventually he will wake up and smell the roses. He would think to himself " Maybe I do actually like her as more than a friend". But it's never going to happen. So why do I keep trying?

For about 2 years I have been crushing on a guy at school. The only problem is he is one of my good friends, and I know he doesn't like me as more than that. According to my friends he has "high standards" and " will only date someone he can see himself with." That's when I realized that it won't happen. It never will. I can't help but keep looking at myself and saying there must be something wrong with me. Am I too tall, too fat, to dumb? Right now I'm even second guessing our friendship.

He is a user. He uses people and when he doesn't need them, he throws them to the side. He doesn't even make the effort to hang out with me. I have to suggest something to him or he won't even pick up the phone and text me to say hi. Right now I just feel like I'm here for 2 more months just to keep him company, and when it comes time to graduate its goodbye.

Why do people have to be this way? Don't they see what they have in front of them? Until this summer he won't realize what he had until its gone. Until it's all done and gone. So as of right now, as this moment I've now  decided that I will stop trying to get his attention, until he starts trying to get mine.

- For Rachel 

Prom Season

Well love is in the air. It's the start of spring and prom season, or as I like to call it for shy girls like me, Single Awareness month. Prom is something that every girl looks forward to. It's a day where you get to feel like a princess and get to go to a dance with your prince charming, but for some of us, it's something that we dread.

Don't get me wrong, I love seeing people happy and I love going to dances, in fact I want to go to prom this year too. But I know deep down that it is another dance I won't get asked to. I can dream, hope and wonder if I will get asked, but in the end I won't.

My prom is going to be in the first week of May, and this is different depending on what school you go to. For us it's called " Junior Prom", but even when I was little I have always thought that you should experience prom your Senior year, and that's exactly what I'm going to do. Date or no date I'm going to go and just enjoy the night with my friends. Still it would be nice to be asked to at least one dance in all of my high school years, but I can't control that.

"Oh well why don't I just ask someone to prom?" Well good question. Been there, done that, got rejected, and now I'm dreading it.

The Hallway

When you think about it, the hallway is actually a really social place. Whether you are in school or in a store. It's a place to catch up with people, make small talk, or exchange books. But it also makes me wonder.

If you ever walk down the hallway by yourself and pass one other person on the opposite side, what do you do? Do you look at them, look straight forward, pretend to look at your fake text. I honestly don't know what do do myself. I have always wondered what to do. I don't know I just find  it to be completely awkward, especially if you don't know them.

Normally what I do is just look straight ahead. I know, I know, it makes me look stuck up. I would rather have that then be awkward. My friends always tell me that I look like I'm in my own little world and I don't not;ice anything around me. That's probably true. If their was a pack of malling tigers behind me, I probably wouldn't notice, although I don't know why tigers would be in school?

I don't think stores are that awkward when you walk down the aisles. It's pretty easy because you have shelves of things that can distract your attention, rather than in school when all you have is a wall and the opposite side.

So I have a question for you. Where do your eyes go when you wonder down the hallway?

The Look

There are many different types of "looks." There's the disappointment look, the puppy dog look and the keep a secret look. But the look I'm talking about is the look you get from guys, or as I like to call it the " I don't notice look."

My mom said to me the other day; " Oh, that guy just looked at you!" and I have no idea what she's talking about. What guy? There are guys here? For some reason I just don't notice when that happens, and if I do get ready for a whole lot of awkward. Just today I noticed that this guy in my class was looking at me, and in which according to the Girls Secret Handbook (which I never received) your supposed to make eye contact and smile. Well being me I looked and just moved my eyes in the opposite direction. I mean whats wrong with me?! Why didn't i smile or give some type of gesture? Well if you haven't guessed it already, I'm shy with that whole concept.

I honestly don't really keep that thought in my head when I see someone attractive. I would think, " He's not looking at me, their must be someone behind me," and move on. But this is reality and I guess I have to accept the fact that guys are looking at me. I mean lets face it, I'm sure every guy checks out a girl that crosses his path during the day.

What should I complain about really? I guess it's my own fault that I don't notice, or maybe its just that I haven't found someone that I can't take my eyes off of.

Nervousness

What is it about getting up in front of people that makes you so nervous? Is it the fact that your afraid you will mess up, look stupid, or get stage fright? All of those things run through my mind before I go in front of people. It blows my mind how celebrities and musicians and get up in front of thousands of people and have a great performance, but it's their job; that's what their use to. It's hard being shy especially knowing that I will have to go up in front of people. It's hard for me to even say hi to some guy that i like, let alone going up in front of your class to give a speech.

 I know, I know you don't have to give me a lecture. Everyone else has to do it. But they aren't as shy as me. When I watch them, they don't seem to care and seem comfortable. Either they are really good actors or they just don't have a issue. I wish I could do that. It's mostly the waiting to go up in front of people that makes me the most nervous. You have to watch everybody go before you and I literally sit there and count down one by one until it's my turn to go. I get shaky and start breathing heavily. I hate that. I hate that feeling more than anything. But once your up there its as if the whole world stops and before you know it your done. You did it and its such a relief.

I just had a piano recital today. On my way there I could tell I was starting to get nervous. Hate it. I was scheduled to perform last. Some people think that being last is good, well they thought wrong. I would sit there and just stare at my program counting down to when i was supposed to go. I kept saying to myself, it's not a big deal. That actually calmed me down until the one person before me was going. That's when I start playing with my hands and I can not keep still. When I walked  up to start playing I can honestly say that I messed up, but I ignored it. I can't say that I remember the whole performance that I was up there. I blank out and just let my fingers take off. When I was finished I came back to reality with a wonderful applause.

So what I'm trying to say is that if you get nervous and trust me everyone does, don't think about it. Your body knows what to do, even though your mind is gone. Trust yourself and in the end it will turn out fine.

   

                  

Friends

It's hard to make friends when your shy. Your uncomfortable with yourself and your afraid of what people think about you. Fortunately for me I have a great group of friends. We are all comfortable enough with each other to put ourselves out there and make total fools of ourselves and knowing they won't care. It's nice being yourself and other people excepting you for you. But when your shy its hard to put your exact feelings out there. I myself sometimes can't tell my friends how I feel. Sometimes I think that they won't like me anymore and leave me or make fun of me. But that's stupid right? I've been friends with them for 4 years and we have never had a problem. Sure we have fights, but what kind of friends would you be if you didn't fight?

We all have our inside jokes. I sometimes start laughing for no reason and look like a total idiot, but who cares really? Then sometimes there are jokes that get old after awhile. There are some jokes that start eating at your brain and you think about it constantly. Should I tell them I don't like it or just ignore it? Ever since I was in elementary school I've always put out the act that I'm stupid or your typical "dumb blonde." Sure we all have blonde moments, but for some reason when I'm around my friends I can't help but act like a blonde. It's just who my friends know me as and frankly right now I don't like it. There's no doubt that I have embedded in my mind that my friends are smarter than me. They are all in AP classes, and some don't even have to study to get a A on a test. Where as there is me. I study and still get a D. Sometimes it makes no since, and it doesn't help anymore with making me think I'm a dumb blonde.

Right now being in my fourth year of high school its hard to change your image.People know you as a "type of person." The only people you can really be yourself around is your friends, but even I can't do that.