Crushes

Lately I haven't been in the lovey dovey mood. Prom is coming up, I have no date and I keep telling myself I should just wait until college to try and find someone. But now someone has kinda caught my eye. Someone I really hadn't noticed much at all throughout the school year. Why all of a sudden now? I don't know, its kinda a bad time don't you think? School is ending soon and I'm moving forward.

We aren't really friends. Its not like I hate him. We have talked a few times, but I have no idea why I am crushing on him. My brother told me he would be my perfect prom date. And now that he pointed it out, I realized we would be really cute together.

I'm not really sure what to do at the moment. I'm shy, so its hard to make eye contact or even try to talk to him. Even so I'm not sure what to do. I hate that when you start to like someone, you have a problem talking to them, but if you didn't like them you probably wouldn't care. Maybe I should have my brother have us start a conversation somehow. Idk. What do you think I should do? Leave a comment down below.

Break-ups

I know I haven't posted in awhile, but these past few weeks I have just been going back and forth with my mind. Sorry.

On to the topic of break-ups. I have never gone through a break-up. My first step would to get a boyfriend but watching other people I have never understood the whole concept of breaking up with someone, especially if you were only going out with someone for a couple weeks. 

" If he's dumb enough to walk away, be smart enough to let him go."

Point 1: Last year I had a friend who was constantly going out with someone and end up breaking up with that person because, " she found something wrong about them." Sure its one thing to break- up with someone if their cheating, but to break-up because you found something wrong with them, well that's just a little rude. Nobody is perfect and if you think that perfect guy for you is out there for you, well you thought wrong. No one is going to be absolutely perfect. If you find someone close then you should go out with them, but not spot on. Your always going to find something wrong, but it turns out that to your significant other, there is something wrong with you too. Whether it is a habit or just something indifferent with similarities. So all in all, don't look for Mr. Perfect because he's not there.

Point 2: Why is it after a break-up would you all of a sudden hate your ex? Just because he broke up with you does not mean you can't be friends anymore. I mean you liked each other enough to go out with them in the first place right. I know if they are cheating on you or did something to the extreme you shouldn't be friends with them again, but if it was just because feelings changed or something in that matter, why not be friends? Why hate? You can't help it if your feelings change. I know being a girl I can't even pick clothes out of my closet without changing it 2 times. It's going to happen and most likely teen relationships don't last. That's just how it is.

Point 3: I absolutely hate it when people over exaggerate break-ups. You go out for 4 days and then he dumps you. You spend the next few days eating chocolate ice cream and sobbing into your pillow while listening to Adele. First of all, you can not fall in love with someone in 4 days. Secondly you should have been at least friends first before you went out with him, and thirdly, STOP being a drama queen. You just want attention and you just look desperate.

Now the points that I made are just towards people who have been dating for a couple of weeks and feel the need to make drama. If you have been going out with a guy for over 6 months, I can see why it would be tough. I mean you are with that person almost every day, then it all of a sudden stops. You don't know what to do with yourself anymore. I realize it will be hard, but there is a plan for all of us and he just wasn't part of it. 

How you see yourself

 I see myself in two different ways. Mentally I think that I am a caring person who likes to pursue their talent and share it with people around me. But then there is the physical aspect of myself. My outside shell. To me my outside shell is nothing special. Sure I have curly hair which people tend to tell me they are jealous that they have it, but I look around and I become jealous of bodies that people carry. I know I shouldn't compare myself to people, but it's hard not to. Especially when your surrounded by skinny people everyday.

I have been chubby for most of my lifetime. When I was in middle school I didn't have a big variety of clothes and was forced to shop in the misses section at stores because none of the junior clothes would fit me. I was fortunate enough to loose 35lbs, but now with the stress of senior year it has slowly crept up on me again. I am getting tired and sick of being on diets, watching what I have to eat and constantly exercising. I want to have fun, eat what I want, and not gain weight. It sucks having to punish yourself everyday, especially when food is your best friend.

I now realize that I am going to have to keep punishing myself for my whole life. I was born like this. Some people ( actually most people) I know can eat whatever they want, never exercise and not gain a pound.

I am becoming even more stressed out than I was and I feel really depressed to think about it. It's embarrassing to not fit into your clothes anymore and I just wish it wouldn't happen, but wishing is useless. I have to do something about it or just face the consequences even more.

Why should I try?

Some days I keep hoping that eventually he will wake up and smell the roses. He would think to himself " Maybe I do actually like her as more than a friend". But it's never going to happen. So why do I keep trying?

For about 2 years I have been crushing on a guy at school. The only problem is he is one of my good friends, and I know he doesn't like me as more than that. According to my friends he has "high standards" and " will only date someone he can see himself with." That's when I realized that it won't happen. It never will. I can't help but keep looking at myself and saying there must be something wrong with me. Am I too tall, too fat, to dumb? Right now I'm even second guessing our friendship.

He is a user. He uses people and when he doesn't need them, he throws them to the side. He doesn't even make the effort to hang out with me. I have to suggest something to him or he won't even pick up the phone and text me to say hi. Right now I just feel like I'm here for 2 more months just to keep him company, and when it comes time to graduate its goodbye.

Why do people have to be this way? Don't they see what they have in front of them? Until this summer he won't realize what he had until its gone. Until it's all done and gone. So as of right now, as this moment I've now  decided that I will stop trying to get his attention, until he starts trying to get mine.

- For Rachel